Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
