if you like me you must not know who I am
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
