I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
