I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
