The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
