Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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