I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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