Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
