still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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