We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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