Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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