your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
