how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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