Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
