DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
