If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
