Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
