I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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