Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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Randomize
