it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i will never coherently bang her
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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