Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
