I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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