her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
