We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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