He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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