I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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