so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
