I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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