Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
