I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
