Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
