Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
