she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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