4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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