My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
