He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
