Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
