you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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