So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.