the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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