summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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