did you get engaged???
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
