cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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