no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
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i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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