I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
