youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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