I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
