So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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