if only i could text you this smell
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
