You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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