mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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