I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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