Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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