i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
