The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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