Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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