She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
